


A Million Little Pieces

by MichaelMcM



Category: Shawn Mendes (Musician), niall horan - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Love, M/M, Making Up, Memories, Reunions, Sad, Sad and Happy, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:34:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23569135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichaelMcM/pseuds/MichaelMcM
Summary: Part II of "The long kiss Goobye"(please read first to get background )Shawn Mendes and Niall Horan come face to face 8 months after a terrible break. Their relationship still in shambles because of that one mistake. Both unable to get past that one night, but will their surprise reunion bring them peace or will they forever be broken.
Relationships: Shawn Mendes/Niall Horan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	A Million Little Pieces

Shawn sat in his dressing room tapping his foot nervously. The waiting was the hardest part, especially since he had stopped taking his anxiety meds. He felt a rush of energy shooting through his body . "God" He breathed, "This is killing me". 

Andrew got up from the sofa and gently massaged Shawn's shoulders ."It'll be great kid, youll be great". Shawn turned and quietly smiled at Andrew Thanking him. "You know how I get, especially since Ni...". Shawn didn't finish the sentence, he immediately looked down and became quiet. Andrew looked at Shawn, seeing the sadness at the almost mention of Nialls name. He wasnt the same since his friendship with Niall ended abruptly. Andrew wasn't sure exactly what happened, Shawn wouldn't tell him, all he did say was that he did something to Niall that was unforgivable. 

Andrew couldnt imagine what Shawn could have done that was so terrible. Shawn was kind and gentle and treated everyone so well. His nature didnt allow him to be anything other than lovely. He tried to counsel Shawn, be a confidant but this was one area where Shawn had shut down completely. All Andrew knew was Shawn wasn't quite himself for the last 8 months. He seemed to have more bad days than good. One time receiving a drunk phone call at 4 am where Shawn was barely able to make sense. He just kept repeating "I should have been better". Andrew needed to go pick him up at the hotel and bring him to his apartment to sober up. He even cancelled a few engagements and sent Shawn home to Toronto for a week. Andrew felt the temptations of L.A. were not condusive to his brittle state. Shawn tried to put up a fight, so Andrew did something he never did before. He called Shawn's mother. She was not someone to be trifled with. Shawn would never go against her wishes especially if it was a command. Andrew had no choice, he had made a promise to his parents to always lookout for Shawn and he wouldn't break that promise even if the kid wasn't a kid any longer. And truth be told he was a bit scared of Karen. He learned early on that no one messes with her family. 

The knock at the door startled Shawn, and the PA loudly stated 2 minutes Mr. Mendes. Shawn stood, Grabbed his guitar and headed for the stage. It was his second last television performance of the year and then he would take a month off before heading out again to start writing songs for his next album. 

Andrew hoped the break would help Shawn relax or at least recharge and get some perspective. But he had a knot in his stomach as he also knew that Shawn lived in his head much of the time, overthinking and this issue with Niall was obviously still front and centre. And this amount of time off without focus could be a time bomb waiting to happen. 

On stage the stress Shawn had experienced vanished. He was differrnt when he performed, he was confident and charismatic, and it showed. The thing was, when Shawn saw the crowd and sang it was like he was a new version of himself, one that didnt worry about everything, he was for lack of a better word a "Star". It was being off stage that was challenging. His never ending insecurity, the crippling self doubt all took its toll. Andrew never knew where it came from, but he was always able to balance the two with more or less success. However, this last year was not the best for Shawn and Andrew tried to get him to see his Therapist more but Shawn had shut many things out of his life recently. 

The real problem was trying to schedule Shawn and Niall to not be at the same event, party or award show. Their circle was small and eventually the inevitable would occur. But it was Shawn's one request, avoid Niall Horan at all costs. This was a monumental task but it had been successful because Andrew reached out to Nialls team and they navigated the mine field together. 

Once Shawn came off stage he was euphoric. The last couple of weeks seemed to be more manageable especially with his emotions. The passage of time seemed to help. There was one tiny problem though, And Andrew hadn't updated Shawn yet. The benefit concert shawn was scheduled to play in 5 days, just added a few more performers and Andrew just recieved the list last Night. And glaring out was none other than Niall Horan. Andrew didnt know how this glitch happened but decided to wait until after this performance to discuss it. And now that he had just came off stage Andrew actually felt dread about having to tell him.

"How was it ?" shawn questioned . "Amazing Kid, as always" Andrew congratulated. Shawn made his way to the dressing room and Andrew followed slowly behind. Once inside Andrew asked everyone to clear out, Shawn quickly turned and shot Andrew a curious look. Shawn was well aware that when Andrew cleared the room, some type of news was about to come. "Fuck" shawn quietly breathed under his breath, and when the door was closed and no one remained he moaned. "What is it Andrew?".

"Ummm....Its Niall Horan" Andrew spoke with trepidation. "What about him?" Shawn sighed out. Andrew moved closer and gently reported. "He's been added to the benefit". Shawn opened his mouth about to speak but instead looked away, sorrow filling his eyes.

Andrew knew Shawn would not be mad at him, he never was, Shawn always directed such emotions inward, he was always so hard on himself. Shawn looked up at Andrew and shrugged his shoulders. "I guess it was inevitable, eh" Shawn let out with such defeat Andrew wanted to hug the boy. 

"Ok, I can do this, I knew at some point it was bound to happen, let's Rip the band-aid off". Shawn smiled or what he hoped passed for a smile, but inside his mind was racing, he was trying to process this information, he wanted a drink or a few but instead he remained still staring blankly while a war was raging was inside.

Shawn secluded himself in his Condo for the next 2 days. He was unravelling, he couldn't manage his emotions about Niall and wanted to be home, if he was back in Toronto he could breathe better. But he gave his word to participate in the charity event and would never go back on a promise. So he sat alone replaying their last meeting in his mind, the destruction, It was violent and messy. The memory still fucking with his mind. He thought a few drinks would help calm his anxiety but the alcohol only exacerbated the mental disintegration. And the spiral continued for 2 days.

And that is how Andrew found him, after not answering his calls or texts, He had forced his way into Shawn's apartment. After locating him, Andrew just stared surprised at what he saw. Shawn was sat in the dark of his bedroom, bottles of alcohol strewn about, barely clothed, smelling of beer, tears staining his face. At this moment Andrew finally understood and realised what it was. Shawn and Niall were not just friends, it went deeper. Andrew looked sadly at Shawn and saw a scared little boy in front of him. Wondering how he would put him back together, he thought maybe he should call his parents. Shawn turned and look up at Andrew and just began crying. "Oh Shawn...What have you done to yourself ?" Andrew questioned with real concern then scooped him up and hugged him. Shawn held on letting the tears run. 

Andrew set to work, he went into full crisis mode. He moved and sat shawn down in the living room, covered him with a blanket and order coffee and food. While that was on it's way he went from room to room grabbing all alcohol and pouring it out. Shawn didnt fight him, he had no fight left. Once the alcohol was disposed, Andrew called his assistant and gave a list of directions and timelines. The food and coffee arrived 20 minutes later and Andrew forced Shawn to eat and drink. Once he got that under control Andrew went to the washroom and turned on the shower. He physically walked shawn to the stall. That's when Andrew ordered Shawn to "Get in" and it wasnt a question. Shawn did as he was told. Andrew began the task of cleaning the apartment. after 20 minutes he noticed Shawn coming out of the washroom and thought at least he was clean. 

"Did you brush your teeth ?" Adrew wondered with a fatherly tone. Shawn gave a blank stare, then turned around and went back into the washroom and brushed his teeth. Coming back out shawn sarcastically spit "Better Dad?". Andrew shot him a stern look and then smiled slyly "Should we call your dad?". Shawn's eyes became twice their size and he quickly breathed out "No Andrew, please dont do that".

"Good Shawn, now we understand each other, now go get dressed". Shawn knew Andrew would call his parents so he did as he was directed. As the hours passed Shawn was somewhat sober and a little more composed. That's when Andrew sat down with Shawn and gently asked him how it got to this point. Shawn looked away realising he didnt know what else to do, he was so lost, so he told him everything, the entire story, how he and Niall finally got together, the text that set in motion his sleeping with Zayn, their final night, their fight and how everything was ruined. And when he finished letting it all out, he sighed with defeat and shyly looked at Andrew.

Andrew sat their quietly no emotions registered on his face but his heart hurt for Shawn. There was no judgement, Andrew analysed the situation and then spoke "Okay, you got your heart broken, it's been over 8 months and you're still fucked"

Shawn looked surprised at Andrew's bluntness, but realised that's what Andrew does. Figure out the problem then design and map a solution. Shawn let out a sad tiny laugh and then acknowledged. "Yep, Pretty much fucked". Andrew nodded and returned the smile.

Shawn just remained quiet for a minute, and finally ecpressed it out loud. "Andrew, this is one problem you can't fix ". 

"Fix ?...hmm Maybe not, but holding this inside is not the answer either, you cant keep doing this to yourself, you always punish yourself ? let people in Shawn, they can help". 

Shawn turned away and his shoulders fell. "Andrew, I'm the bad guy in this, what I did, what Niall called me, its all true, I am a ... ..." He didnt finish the thought, it was too much for him, the tears started again and he tried to turn and hide them from Andrew.

Andrew looked intently at shawn, he'd known him since he was 15, and felt more like his protective older brother than his manager. But he needed to give some hard advice. He put on his best authoative voice "So, listen to me now Shawn...Here are your options, Cancel the gig, Go ahead with the gig and try and avoid Niall or Go ahead with it and actually talk with Niall and ask for forgiveness. But what I really want you to do is to forgive yourself, which I think is the hard part......You may not want to hear this but you're not perfect".

Shawn winced at the last statement, he knew Andrew was right, all this was because he hated himself, he felt he deserved to be punished for everything he did. But he didnt know if he could face Niall, the look on his face the last time they were together, the things Naill called him permeated his dreams and he couldn't make it go away. Shawn looked down at his hands and tried to figure out what to do. He felt nauseated and didnt think he had the courage.

That's when he heard Andrew express. His concern "Shawn, if you don't I'm scared what will happen, Please let it go. I've watched for years as you take disappointment and frustrations out on yourself, how you beat yourself down. But this was the first time I was truly scared, what you would do to yourself".

Shawn hung his head , ashamed for making Andrew feel this way, though he wasn't totally comfortable he turned to his friend with shame. "I'm sorry, I'll try and be better to myself, I'll do the Gig and at some point I'll speak to Niall, if he will talk to me and maybe we can get to a point where we dont need to avoid each other." Shawn half-heartedly smiled and asked Andrew if he would stay with him tonight. Andrew walked to Shawn and protectively embraced him. "Of course". While in his hug shawn whispered "Would you have really called my parents ?". Andrew chuckled "Yes, but I would have been scared to speak to your mom". Shawn smirked then moved from the embrace and looked directly in Andrew's eyes and said "Yeh, I'd be scared for you too". Andrew just thought to himself he dodged a bullet.

The next two days, under the watchful eye of his bodyguard Shawn focused on getting his confidence back. He ate healthier than he ever had. He worked out longer and agreed to speak with his therapist and be open and honest. He kept his promise but it didnt take away the nerves that were circulating under his skin. The charity event was the next day and the anxiety came in waves. But he resigned himself to push through this and would never go back on his word to Andrew. 

Later that afternoon at the television studio to do a sound check for his song, Shawn made a mental note of how everything was laid out. Where to enter the stage, where the dressing rooms for the talent were located and the the listing order of Performers. Shawn sighed with relief when he found out he and Niall were not close in order. Shawn thought since he was scheduled to perform at the end and Niall was 6 singers ahead of him maybe Niall would just leave after his song and none of this would have to happen. Then it hit him, that wouldn't solve anything, at some point it would all come crashing down again. Shawn realised it would never end, he'd be trapped in this mental prision forever if he didnt follow through with his plan.

After sound check he left the venue and headed back and decide he needed take the first step. Shawn pulled out his phone. His hands started to shake and he felt his anxiety rising, but he made a promise. He found his contacts and looked at the name "Nailer". He unknowingly smiled then looked around hoping he was alone, but realised he was in his living room and thought to himself he was an idiot. He didnt have the courage to call him, he wasn't strong enough to manage that, but wrote out a text, that he erased and changed 4 times. Finally settling on......"Niall, you probably dont want to hear from me and I get it, but we will be at the same event and I dont want you to feel like you need to hide, I would never bother you. But, If you are up to it, maybe we could talk, there are things id like to say. But it's okay if you dont, really I understand. Sorry if I'm bothering you".

Shawn just breathed out looking down at the text, he didn't know what to do, he was doubting himself again. His finger hovered over the send key, that's when he realised he was sweating and his jaw was clenched. Knowing full well these were his signs that he was starting to go into full panic mode. He could feel it in his chest, the attack was barreling full steam ahead. He wiped his brow, the sweat now dripping down his face, he hated this so much, The loss of control. He forced himself to hit the send button, and once he did his mind told him to immediately shut off his phone. He knew he wasnt ready if Niall decided to respond. He would need time for that. He threw his phone on the sofa and ran to the washroom and splashed cold water on his face, but it wasn't helping, his body was waging a war with itself and he was overheating, he quickly tore off his top and slipped out of his trousers. He felt like he was suffocating like his clothes were the enemy. That's when the dizziness and Nausea began. He knew what that meant, He was scared and needed to prepare but he was too late everything went dark.

Shawn wasnt sure how long he'd passed out for, What he knew was that when he opened his eyes he was lying on the cold washroom floor. His mind was fuzzy but he wasnt panicked, this wasn't the first time and the coldness actually helped. It soothed his body, he lied there for a minute doing a mental check. Do you feel pain? "No, dont think I'm hurt". Then Instinctively his right hand went to his head and felt all around, back to front, side to side. This was always the scary part especially since he was alone. He then looked intently at his hand "No blood, good". Then his mind kept repeating "Get up now, you need to get up". But his body wasnt ready, he needed more time to collect his thoughts. He looked at his watch, but his eyesight was a little blurry but was able to make out the time 4:37 pm. "Ok, about 3 minutes, that's good, only out for 3 minutes". He tried to get up, but it was still difficult, often his body was exhausted after he passed out from anxiety and he needed to will himself up. Slowly he was able to make it, all the while gripping onto the marble sink. He looked into the mirror and he was physically fine, no real damage other than a bruise on his hip, he knew it was his body shutting down and it scared him, this hadn't happened for so long, almost 2 years, he thought he had it under control but he was wrong. 

His legs were weak, he needed to get to his phone and call someone, he wanted his mother but she was back in Toronto. But he knew if he passed out again he would need someone to know. Making it to the living room, grabbing his phone he turned it back on, and a sense of relief occurred as Shawn realised he did not have a text from Naill. It would be too much for him. He found Andrews number knowing he always answered his calls.

"Hey Shawn, Whats up ?" Andrew said brightly.

"It happened again, I'm not hurt but I'm feeling weak" Shawn's voice was barely audible and his breathing laboured.

"Fuck, where are you ? Are you alone? "

"At the condo, I'm alone, I need help Andrew". 

"I'm on my way ". Concern coming from Andrew.

Shawn needed to think, "unlock the door" he repeated to himself. Shawn was still dizzy and his mind wasn't clear and he was so tired , He wanted to sleep, but he managed to unlocked the door and then made his way back to the living room and slumped onto the sofa.

"Shawn, Shawn wake up".

Shawn eyes opened sloely, adjusting to the light and his gaze then found Andrew.

"Sorry, I thought I was over this, that it was under control". shawn said almost crying. 

Andrew helped Shawn sit up and said "stop apologising... we'll get through this, like we have before... I can cancel tomorrow ?".

Shawn shook his head and then looked at Andrew and said "No, don't cancel, I can do this, I just thought at some point I'd have some control over of my life".

Andrew put shawn to bed and stayed with him making sure he had someone there if he awoke in the night. When Shawn came out of his bedroom at 7am he found Andrew still dressed curled up asleep on the sofa. Shawn let him sleep, knowing he could do this small thing for Andrew. He gave so much of himself. Shawn had slept for over 12 hours and his body need it, it needed to heal from the anguish of the last 8 months. Shawn was feeling almost at 100% but he was hungry and had a bit of a headache, most likely for not having any water for so long. He showered and dressed , then quietly made him and Andrew breakfast. He woke his manager up around 9am. "Morning sleepy head"

Andrew opened his eyes and grabbed his glasses . Sitting up he looked intently at Shawn  
"How are you feeling ?"

Shawn smiled " I'm good , better than yesterday, thank you ". 

"Good" was all andrew said and joined Shawn for breakfast. They sat in a comfortable silence until shawn admitted "I texted Naill yesterday and I think that coupled with the fact I may see him today instigated my attack"

"Right". Andrew said and then wondered "Did he respond? " 

Shawn looked down and shook his head. "Didnt really think he would" 

"Are you okay with that ?" Wondered Andrew .

"I have to be, It was my fault"

Andrew was about to challenge this but knew Shawn was still in that dark place and thought it better to change the topic. Andrew directed the conversation to the schedule for the day, his performance and getting ready for that. Shawn knew Andrew was trying to distract him from the mess he caused and to be honest he was thankful. He really wanted this day to be over with and any distraction would help. 

Niall just sat staring at the text, his heart was racing and he forgot he was in the Gym. His trainer kept asking if he was all right. Niall heard her speak but just looked blankly. He snapped out of the trance and confirmed he was fine but needed to stop for the day outlining to her something had come up.

Niall barely knew how he got home, his mind was a jumble of emotions all crashing down on him. He thought he was over this, "No.... I am over this." He said it out loud so it was real. But, He didnt believe himself. "Fuck , Fuck , Fuck....Fuck." He yelled, but it didnt change anything. He sat down, then got back up immediately, he felt unsettled like he couldn't comfort himself. He looked at it again, but it hadn't changed, the text was still there, tearing at him. His mind was reeling, the awful memories just kept flooding back. He couldn't do this, why was this affecting him so much, his head was starting to ache. He finally sat down and tried to figure this out. He questioned why this was still fucking with his mind so much? "He was better, he was over him, well if not over him, he wasnt as broken. So that's something right?". But, he realised this one little text undid all of it, it only took one text and he was back in a million little peices. 

Niall got lost in his thoughts, his mind replayed it. He saw Shawn there that night, trying to explain everything, trying to love him, but Niall wouldn't let him. He pushed him away. Niall's stomach turned, his face flushed, he felt disgusted at the things he called Shawn, How he was physical with him. Shawn just accepted it all, the verbal and physical violence, not once fighting back. Niall saw the hate shawn had for himself and knew he would never fight back. Niall was sickened by his own behaviour, and even now looking at the text, it was typical Shawn, apologising for things he didnt need too. And smiled began to overtake Niall, thinking about Shawn, how he was perpetually clumsy, always seemed surprised, and always so nervous, but kind and ever so gentle. The smile broadened and he thought about his beauty, and how Shawn hated compliments, because he didnt believe them. It was at this point Niall realised he wasn't over anything and he was right back at the beginning. His smile disappeared and he became sad. Everything had gone too far and there was no coming back from that night. Things were done and said that could never be meneded.

Niall didn't know what to do with this text. He decided he needed time, he needed to figure this out and talk to someone. Niall picked up his phone looking though his contact list, he found him. He sat there for a minute running it through his mind, Was this was a good idea?. He debated for a few minutes and then the courage surged through his body and he hit the contact.

"My friend, been a little while" the melodic voice of John Mayer echoed in Nialls ear.

"Hi Mayer, sorry about that mate, been a busy time" Niall said tentatively. He had met John through Shawn and didnt really know what John knew about "Them". What he did know was John was a friend, like a proper true friend to Niall. At first when he met John he figured he would just be a friend by association, but John was like Shawn, he made everyone else feel important. And he was always so giving , gave all the young musicians advice, good advice. But this was going to difficult. He needed the advice of someone who knew them both and cared for them both. The thing was Shawn and Niall had talked how John was like a big brother to them, and he was , and he needed that now, so he summoned the courage and stuttered for a minute or so and then he heard John say. "Niall, I sense you need to talk...something on your mind that I can help with ?" 

Niall was embarrassed but finally it came out " Yeh...The thing is ...or was...or maybe still is .....umm, sorry im not making sense, just a bit nervous".

"Niall...relax , whatever you got to say, I'm telling you its worse in your head , really , just let it out ".

"Its Shawn" Naill quickly breathed out. "No sorry, it's me and Shawn". Then Niall just quickly proceeded to outline everything to John, said it out loud for the first time. How their 5 year friendship slowly burned into something, maybe love, How they finally were able to say it to each other, but then how Niall got cold feet and sent the text about taking a break, that ended with Shawn being devastated and falling into the arms of Zayn. Then the night it all came out and their final fight and the destruction it caused.How it all went up in flames. John just listened, Niall was greatfull as he needed to exorcise the story from inside where it was eating at him. When he finished he felt lighter, not better but unshackeled. Keeping this secret for so long was a weight he no longer needed to bear. 

John took a breath and finally spoke ."Firstly, it took you two long enough, it was obvious to everyone. That you two were playing the longest will they or wont they game the world has ever known. Probably at a bad idea though. For one thing a Canadian and Irishmen together might not be a good idea ...One's far too polite and the others far too morose and both drink to excess ". 

Niall listened but was confused, John's response was so lighthearted that he didnt think he understod the devastation of it all. Niall finally responded. "Umm... John I'm not sure you're getting it".

"Oh No I do ! You two hit a fucking wall, a big fucking wall but instead of trying to work to get over it you crashed into it and burned, destroying everything that you started to build. And now you're miserable, he's miserable and the pair of you spent most of last year avoiding each other, or anything that had to do with it. But the avoiding is not working now either. So you're still right where you started, but instead of growing a pair of balls and trying to fix this youd both rather wallow in the pain of it all. Sound about right ?" 

Niall was taken aback but not offended, John often waded through the bullshit with directness, But he thought maybe a little sympathy was warranted. "Well...I dont know about Shawn.... or how he feels, He's probably well past this" Niall conceded.

"Jesus Christ Niall, Have you met Shawn Mendes? The poor kid would never get over this, it would eat at him forever, you know its probably all he's thought of since it happened. Fuck, his next album is going to be sadder than his last. .....This all makes sense, everytime I've seen him recently he seemed off or lost."

Niall sheepishly said. "He texted me, asking if we could possibly talk...that's why I called, I need advice, I don't know what to do?". 

"Yes you do, you just want some else to say it so you could blame them if it didnt go well...and it might not go well, but you know you have to see him, talk to him", John commanded.

Niall let the line be quiet for a minute before he admitted. "I know, But I just dont knowhow to start, that final.night was awful, and I'm ashamed. ".

The line went silent for longer than Niall liked but then John asked ."You still love him?".

Nialls insides knotted up and he slumped further in his chair and admitted. "Yeh....Terribly". 

"We that's it isn't it , What we're all looking for, Someone to love. Niall, put him out of his misery and talk to him...it would be nice to get at least one happy song from Shawn Mendes", John questioned.

Niall quietly laughed "You think he has it in him ?" 

"One can only hope", Jonn wondered.

"Ok, I see him at the charity event tomorrow and hopefully we chat"

"Hey Niall ? " john interrupted.

"Yeh John !"

"Show him some kindness, You know he won't show it to himself."

Niall nodded knowing what John just said was true. He swallowed back emotion and said "I will". 

Niall hung up, head still pounding, nerves still on edge but at least he made a decision. He wasnt quite sure how to answer the text. He debated about waiting until after the event and then replying. It would be better if it was just the 2 of them, somewhere quiet. But Niall wasn't sure where that somewhere should be. The rest of the night was a blur, he just wanted the night to end.

Waking the next morning Niall had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He knew it was dread, he had to respond, he couldn't wait, it was cruel that he waited this long. He knew Shawn and the longer he didnt answer the text the more shawn would emotionally beat himself up. Niall jumped out of Bed used the toilet, showered and made a cup of tea. The clock read 9:27 am . " Okay he thought to himself, Do it now" He cradled the phone staring at Shawn's words , thinking of a proper response, one that wouldn't cause panic in Shawn or as much anyway. 

"Hey... Dont worry, I dont feel a need to hide from you, were both adults. I know you would never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. As for meeting today, Not sure it's the best idea?". Niall read it and re-read it, and when finally okay with its sentiment he pushed send.

As the last glass was put in the dish washer, Shawn wiped the kitchen counter down. He said goodbye to Andrew just before the front door closed. He went in his bedroom to get his gym equipment, packed and readied himself, the last thing he grabbed was his phone. He hadn't looked at it in awhile. He saw the standard messages from family and friends and smiled to himself. He'd answer them later. 

Then a ping, whatsapp message appeared, from Niall Horan. He stood motionless, unsure of himself, scared to open it. He needed to sit. He was becoming overwhelmed again but he needed to focus, he could do this he told himself. He tapped the message and read it. He was unsure how long he sat there for, his mind was racing, trying to put a coherent thought together. He was Okay, the message wasn't dismissive, it spoke to everything in Shawn's initial text, nothing more, nothing less. But the last part caused a pang of something, he was unsure of the emotion it illicited. Niall was unsure they should meet. Shawn nodded his head. He had his answer, well kind of. He didnt want to push, he already caused so much damage. The longer he sat there the longer his mind told him, It was really done, Niall didnt really want to see him, and he was right not too. This is okay Shawn repeated, Niall and he could manage an infrequent professional relationship. There was no longer any need to totally avoid each other, so that was good. The longer he sat convincing himself he was okay, the better he was feeling about it. Not the best result but he wasn't told to fuck off. He would have liked to talk with Niall, apologise but maybe he was right, it would be too much, leave the past in the past. Shawn looked again at the message and typed his response "Sure Niall, whatever u think best, sorry again". He didnt need to re-read it or alter it, He just hit send. There was nothing more to say. Shawn wondered if he felt better, no not better, but not weighted by it anymore, he wasn't sure if he'd ever feel "Better" but the hiding part was over and that was something. 

Shawn focused on his routine, Gym, massage, back home to change and then meet his team at the venue. He sat in the chair to be styled. He began staring at himself as his team went about their work. He became quiet as he concentrated on the image looking back. He stared intently, he didn't recognize the person in the mirror, it's not who he thought he'd be, or wanted to be. He was ridiculously famous and rich but he missed his old life or maybe the person he was when he was a kid in Canada, playing with his friends, obsessing over music in his room because he wanted to be a musician so bad. And now he was one and it didnt live up to the dream, because he never really dreamed of being famous. He thought it was funny how life just kinda carves out who you are, what you become. 

He wasnt sure exaxtly where it all went wrong, well he knew but didn't want to admitt it. He'd been unhappy for so long. His life now seemed to just happen to him, he had no say, couldn't control it, and it would probably always be that way . 

Then the guilt appeared, he was being ungrateful, he has so much while others have so little, he told himself he was being an asshole. He kept repeating to himself, focus, be grateful. But at this moment, if he was honest, He would have given it all back for his old life, just to be Manny and Karen's son, He liked him, that little boy. A tear appeared as his make-up artist applied concealer, he looked away, ashamed. He apologised telling her he had something in his eye and needed to use the washroom. 

As he stood and made his way across the room Andrew grabbed him, looked tenderly "You ok ? " 

Shawn half-hearted smiled, distress etched on his face. " I'll be fine, really I will, ust missing home....and the person I used to be". Shawn then hugged Andrew. "Thank you for everything, All you've done ". 

Andrew whispered in Shawn's ear "You heard from Niall didnt you? "

Shawn moved away and acknowledged it. "After you left he texted... its not bad, he was fine with everything just didn't think we should meet, and it just got me thinking what my life would be like if I wasn't SHAWN MENDES, but it will be fine, really it will be." 

Shawn pulled away from the embrace and collected his emotions in the washroom. After 5 minutes he was better and returned to the make up chair. Once he was all styled he wanted to go see some of the performers, he missed that part of being just a fan.

Andrew joined him from the side stage. They watched as other artists sang and danced and Shawn started to feel some joy. He turned to Andrew. "Sorry for everything, I feel like a broken toy that you're always needing to put back together"

Andrew let out a laugh, and asked "Is there a day that goes by that you don't apologise for something? ". 

Shawn grinned "Probably not". 

Over the PA system it was announced that there was a quick break but they would be back next with Naill Noran. The information wasn't a surprise, but it was a cause for a little emotional stress.

Andrew moved to face Shawn and asked "Should we head back ?"

Shawn was quiet for a few seconds then cocked his head. "No, I'll stay and watch, but you go back, I'll be fine".

Andrew resigned himself to the fact that Shawn needed to do this by himself. He was an adult, not that wide eyed kid he first met so many years ago. 

"Ok, let me know if you need anything? " 

Shawn nodded and Andrew was gone. Shawn found a quieter spot, one more secluded, where he wouldn't been seen by the other Artists.

Niall exited his dressing room and with his team and made his way to the stage. Shawn noticed him immediately as he turned the corner, Instinctively he stepped back trying to hide himself.

Shawn watched intently and thought to himself he looked good, happy maybe. Shawn immediately felt jealous, No not jealousy, he felt hurt, why did Niall look like the last 8 months meant nothing ? when he himself was struggling just to hang on. Shawn felt defeated, Seeing Niall for the first time was breaking him all over again. He loved him so much it hurt. 

He finally decided that he would not push it, Naill was right, it didnt make sense to meet. Nothing good would have come from it, it wouldn't have changed the fact that he slept with Zayn, it wouldn't take away the way Niall looked at him that night with such hate and disgust. 

Shawn felt uncomfortable standing there now, like he was spying on Niall, he needed to leave. He waited for Nialls name to be called to the stage before he came out from the back, hoping Niall would not catch sight of him. He saw Niall walk on the stage, his back to him and then Shawn quietly began to make his exit. But at the same moment a stage hand rounded the corner and they collided. It was barely audible. Shawn Instinctively turned to look if anyone noticed and that's when he and Nialls eyes connected. The gaze was lingering as Niall didn't look away, Shawn recognized the sadness staring back at him. Shawn gave a little smile but Niall turned away and began to play the guitar. Shawn looked down feeling embarrassed, turned and walked away, not seeing Niall turn to look at the side stage and Shawn. 

Back in his dressing room, Shawn put the little mishap out of his mind, well as best he could. He also had a performance to put on. An hour later the knock came for Shawn to take the stage. "Showtime" shawn said to himself, he looked in the mirror and put on a smile, hoping it masked how damaged he was. 

After the last guitar cord played, Shawn waved to the audience and walked back to his dressing room. Only a few people were left. His stylist waited as shawn disrobed and packed his clothes, his make up artist gently removed his stage make up. Once that was complete they left. Andrew waited as Shawn showered and dressed. Once packed they left the venue. " Wanna get a pint " Andrew asked .

Shawn rolled his eyes. "I'm fine Andrew, really I am , just tired, gonna drive back to the Condo and pack. I just want to be back in Canada and be normal Shawn....You'd like him, he's really fun ."

Andrew winked at him." Really, I heard he was bit of a nerd"

Shawn laughed "Definitely".

Shawn watched Andrew hop in the waiting car and drive off. 

Shawn usually forgot where he parked and it was becoming quite a problem. Finally finding his jeep, he breathed a sigh of relief. Taking out his key fob he turned the jeep on and then opened the door and settled in. He sat for a minute, just to collect his thoughts. He thought through the night, a little shaken but otherwise unscathed. Maybe things would get better he thought to himself.

The knock at his window startled him, he let out a little yell, well more like a loud "Fuck". Turning quickly he saw Niall standing there, looking unsure of himself. 

"Niall ? " Shawn's asked surprised, mouth open as the window opened.

"Shawn, ummm....didnt mean to give you a fright, thought we could have that talk? " Niall nervously let out.

Shawn was confused and finally stuttered. "Oh yeh..Sure ...I thought you didn't want ...".

Niall interrupted."No, I meant maybe today wasnt the best day to meet because of the benefit ? but then we saw each other and I just thought". Niall let the sentence trail off quietyl hoping the implication was understood. 

Shawn was quiet for a few seconds, staring at Niall then stated. "Right, Sorry ....I sometimes get confused, Sorry about the noise by the stage, I'm kinda a klutz.. ..Really, again Sorry !"

Niall laughed. "You really need to stop saying you're sorry all the time".

"Yeh...Right, Sorry " Shawn unintentionally let slip. 

"Jesus, you really cant help it can you?" Nialled sarcastically outlined. 

Shawn was so confused and was tripping over his words, he didnt realise the stupid smile plastered on his face. Niall did and he was glad to see it on the kid. 

"I'm just..umm.. unprepared for .. umm..i just figured you didnt want to talk, and now I'm getting kind of nervous.... and when that happens I just talk and say things..umm.. anything that comes to my mind really, because mind is going like a mile a minute and I cant stop it."

"Shawn ...Shawn" Niall interrupted ,"You're taking way to fast and I think you need to breathe....and for Gods sake don't apologise"

Shawn immediately stopped talking, let out a deep breath. Then sat there silent for a minute, he eventually turned more composed and tried to smile, then got embarrassed and looked away again. He calmed himself more, When he finally looked at Niall again he spoke slowly and unsure of himself. "Niall.... I'm a fucking mess, I have been for 8 months and it's not getting better and I'm so sorry for everything, really and I dont know how to make it better and I want it to be better ". He then quickly looked away from Niall, afraid of the results. Shawn wasn't sure why he said it bluntly like that, but what he did know was he was going to cry, and he did. And because he was crying and out of habit he once again apologised and then he became flustered "Oh fuck, it's not fair I can't apologise Niall, you know I cant help it". Niall laughed out loud which cause Shawn to nervous chuckle. And once their laughter settled, they just looked at each other with goofy smiles plastered on their faces. 

"Okay, if it makes you feel better apologise your heart out". Niall calmly reglected.

Shawn smirked "Thank you".

"Now that we have all that out of the way....I'm a mess too" Niall confessed quietly..

They both sat there in silence, looking anywhere but at each other.

Shawn was the first to turn, studying Niall asking "So what now ?" 

Niall returned the look. "I'm not sure, I didn't really think it through this far, In fact I really had my doubts you were going to survive the first part of the conversation".

Shawn's smile broadened "Yeh, definitely touch and go there for a bit"

"Agreed" Niall smiled back.

Niall became quieter "Shawn, I dont know where we go from here, all I know is I've been kinda lost without you, but im still hurt and I dont know what to do with that. But it kills me to think about those things I said to you that night...They were so awful and I'm truly sorry"

Shawn got out of the jeep and looked at Niall then hung his head. "Its okay Niall I deserved it ."

Niall shot Shawn a saddened look. He was heart sick that Shawn accepted and thought he deserved that abuse. "No Shawn ! No one, most all you, don't deserve that, I was hurt and I was lashing out to make you feel the same....and I'm so sorry not only for calling you those awful names but for pushing you, it makes me sick I did that and have thought about it every day and maybe one day you could forgive me"

Shawn was about to reach out and comfort Niall but held back, unsure of himself. Niall realised what he was doing and smiled not knowing what he should do either.

"Niall, your apology is not necessary and I do accept it?"

"Thank you Shawnie". Niall spoke without realising he used his nickname. And only realised it after seeing Shawn blush, which caused him to redden. Both boys just stood next to each other enjoying the tender moment.

"Niall ?" Shawn questioned unassuredly 

"Yeh ?" Niall responded hopefully 

"I ....I miss us ".

"Me too" 

"Niall?"

"Yeh?"

"If.... I called you tomorrow and asked you out...you know...for a coffee or something...would you say yes?". Shawn asked nervously. 

Nialls stare softened. "Well, I'd need to check my schedule, I'm pretty popular...Not sure I could fit you in tomorrow "

Shawn nodded and formed a little grin. "Right, tomorrow might not work...ok, new plan". Shawn pulled out his phone and began calling someone. Niall looked confused but then his phone rang, a gentle smile settled on his face, then he answered "Hello?"

"Hi Niall, My name is Shawn, you may not remember me, I'm one of your biggest fans from Canada. I was wondering, if you're not too busy sometime, you might like to go get a coffee or maybe lunch sometime, Maybe ?"

Niall, still with that soft smile on his face looked deep into Shawn eyes. Then slowly moved his phone from his ear and nervously acknowledged. "Yeh, that might be nice... I knew a Canadian once, an anxious fella, he was always bloody apologising".

Shawn's eyes searched Naills, thinking he saw a spark of hope. He let the phone drop away from his ear. "Yeh, Sorry for that.....You'll get used to it"

"You think so?" Niall asked quietly .

"That's my plan". Shawn whispered. 


End file.
